Au Revoir,

Well, this'll be my last regular post. I'll be copy/pasting my email newsletters into my Migrating Gryphon account, found on my profile, if you're interested in keeping up-to-date that way, although since my two regular readers here are also on the email newsletter... Well, it's still a good way for me to keep track of my information.

I managed to salvage $900. Not bad for someone who lost their entire bank account, and in the course of a day, hey? It's called not putting all your eggs in one basket, although really, a bank should be a pretty reliable basket. But at least I'm not going into the program broke.

I'm taking a train tomorrow, around 6:30 AM, transferring once in Toronto, and then going to Dorval, Quebec.

I still don't have my requisites for the program complete. They haven't processed my Criminal Record Check yet, because last week happened to be St. John Baptiste. The program starts tomorrow! Why did everything happen so it would all be stretched to this fine line?!

I'm crazy nervous, I don't mind telling you. There's something wrong with my spirit. Usually, I'm so nervous about living an ordinary life, of living stagnantly, not making progress, of not putting down memory bench-posts regularly. Usually I'm obsessed with memory-manipulation to make my lifespan feel longer, usually, I'm hyper-competitive, and if I'm not doing something cool, I feel like I'm falling behind those of my generation.

But I don't have any of that adventure, that spark, that competitive fight in me right now. You can see it in my behaviour toward this blog. I invented it as a means of making sure I had one important thing to say every day, to motivate me to be active, and to manipulate my memory to make time slower. Lately I haven't been updating nearly so much... Honestly, about one-third of the amount I used to... And do you know why? Because lately I just want to hide under my covers, play video games, not think about them, and just... freeze.

The last thing I felt really competitive and compassionate about was Karate, but after I got my Orange Belt, I had met my goal, and even that passion petered out.

I'm terrified of this trip. I was terrified when I got the message, and I was terrified when I accepted.

I feel guilty, too. When I did Katimavik... Ooh, deja vu... I think I've said this before. Sorry. But, when I did Katimavik, I was directionless, unemployable, and I was going through a certain kind of crisis. Coming back, I was employable, I gained direction, and I'd gotten over my crisis.

Now I'm putting off my education to go be random in Africa, because I felt entitled to do this trip when I was given the opportunity, but was denied due to life circumstances the last time around.

The past couple weeks, I've had something I'd wanted to say, but didn't want to in case it hurt my conviction...

...I don't want to go.

Don't get me wrong... I'm going to go, and I'm going to learn to love it, because, strip away my adventure, spark, enthusiasm, competitive spirit, and love for gaining new stories, what have you left? Stubbornness, pride, and courage. Not the sweetest roster, but if they can get the job done, what have I to say? I've gone through so much to get here... And so many people have invested themselves in me... It's like Katimavik. I can't back down now.

In Katimavik, I had a period like this. But it was the first three days after I started the program, not the last two weeks before I left.

I keep thinking things like... Electronics screw up around me... There's a scientific theory about electromagnetic frequencies that come out of humans... How some people's are a little out of whack and it messes with things... What if I'm that way, and I wind up accidentally mind-boogying the plane, and I crash the plane into the sea and we all die?! Or... what if I can't take Mali's climate, and I panic, lose my mind, have a heart attack, there are no doctors, and I die?! Or what if the Large Hadron Collider loses control of it's sustained antimatter, creates a black hole, and I die?! I don't want to die while I'm away!!!!

And there's no backing out of CWY. The application system was built to eliminate those who would back out even before they start. Every candidate is relying on their counterpart to stick it through, because this is done in a system of pairs. And good luck dropping out when there's no electricity or mode of communication.

Anyway... Sorry to leave on such a downer... You guys get to see the dark underbelly of my psychology... The "real" me. I guarantee you, all the newsletter posts are gonna be sugar and gumdrops about me having the time of my life... and I won't let my doubt show. Oh well, it's best to leave on this note. It's normal to feel fear, but feeling fear and allowing yourself to be controlled by it are two very different things. Hopefully, I'll look back on this when I come back and realize what a right decision I had made.

I Hate Banks

Remember how I was changing bank accounts? Well, recently, I checked my online account to see if it had happened, and it did. I went to get my train ticket today, used debit, and it didn't work. I went to get cash, tried to take out $100, and found that my account only had $60. I checked my online account again, and it said that I only had $20 (I took out $40 to pay for the train ticket... cheaper than I expected).

I thought maybe it was identity theft, but I checked my transaction history, and it was accurate... but only if you factor out the transferred money from my other account ever having been there. Also, since I don't have a credit card, and I still have my debit card... It seems like identity theft would be hard.

I went to talk to my bank, and the guy said it takes 4-6 weeks for a money transferal between accounts, and it's only been around 4 weeks right now. He says I probably confused the money in the two separate accounts. I'd buy that, except this has happened twice...

First time was after the vaccinations. I'd checked my online account, and it had $1500 in it. Tried to use debit and was denied. Went back, found it said $150. Thought I must have missed a digit, since I was expecting $1500 and the amounts look similar despite being fairly different. When I checked the second time, to see if the money had transferred, I gave it a good, hard, thorough look, because I knew I'd already mis-seen it once. Then I called my mom over to give me a second oppinion on the amount before my eyes. She confirmed it.

So... I don't know what's going on. It's a little more distressing this time around, because last time, I tried to, and succeeded in, using my old account. Meaning the money was still around somewhere. Tried that trick this time, and it turns out, that account has been deleted.

So it really feels like $1500 just disappeared.

I hate banks, and I hate money. All they've ever done is cause me stress and hurt feelings. I know it's all necessary, but I can't say holding a handful of cash gives me the same buzz it seems to give others. I'm a good example of how money can slip through your fingers, and how unrewarding the experience can be. And I'm not bad with my money. I always try to save... But someone always steals it. You've heard... at least two stories regarding this. Mom's Disability and then this. But it's more extensive than that, and I don't feel like elaborating.

On the plus side, as I said above, the ticket was way cheaper, and I could still afford it. Instead of the $283 CWY predicted, it was only $88! That's... significant. I don't think CWY will give me the same reimbursement, though, since they're asking for receipts, but at least it meant my plans weren't thrown for a loop.

I went to my brother's achievement ceremony. It was a partial graduation ceremony, but because he goes to an alternative school, and his class is small, it might've been too short a ceremony if they'd only celebrated the two people graduating. It was pretty good. My brother got a certificate, he got a couple shout-outs during the ceremony, I got to meet all his friends, and some people he's told stories about.

Denying Donation-Collectors

I'm posting this from the library computer. Not because our computer is down, which is usually the reason, but because it's UP. We have two computers... A laptop and a desktop, and usually, only one of them is up at a time. The desktop keeps breaking down, although I'd get yelled at for phrasing it that way, and the laptop has issues with it's charge cable, or whatever you call it.

Yeah, so, there's a lot of features that the desktop has, but the laptop doesn't. We don't get Internet access for both computers at the same time, either. So Internet access has been a bit scarce of late.

The library upgraded the Internet access length from 45 minutes to an hour, though, looks like.

I finally got a copy of my Criminal Record Check. It was done on June 20, but it got stuck in the mail, because of Canada Post going postal on me. I went personally to the police station, explained my situation, and they straight-up gave me a copy right then and there. Of course, that leaves me with the problem of getting that copy to them. I sent an email asking if it was alright for me to just scan a copy to them, and they said that it was.

So my 13-box travel preparation checklist has essentially been completed.

Saying that you're spending six months volunteering for overseas issues, with three months in a West African village of 750 is just about the best excuse you can give to counter those guys on the street, who jump you, trying to get signatures to donate for their campaign. It's like "So you're willing to be paid only $10 an hour to get signatures from people to donate for overseas issues? I'm oing to be paid $2 a day to volunteer personally in a developing society. TRUMP! Both your cause, and your dedication. Yes, you may shake my hand."

I used to walk away from those people feeling dirty and guilty. I think I've blogged about this before, but I'm a real chump when it comes to these volunteer organizations. I avoid them, but if they catch me, and say, "excuse me, sir. Do you have two minutes to spare to talk to me?" I always say yes. And then I'll probably go through the prepratory stage, with no intention of following up. So I still burn them, but I don't have to do it to their face. Yes, I know that's worse...

Vaccinations

I got my vaccinations! I got ALL my vaccinations. Remember that list huge they sent me, but that only required Yellow Fever? Well, turns out I already had a couple of those still in solid effect. After consultation and a description of where I was going, the immunization people decided it would be wisest to put me through the others, too. Cost wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Because of the cost of Yellow Fever, I thought I'd be paying close to $1000. But Yellow Fever turned out to be the most expensive, so I wound up paying under $500.

I'm supposed to pick up some anti-Malaria pills and I have a prescription for an anti-diarrhea drink that acts like a shot, so I guess I still have a few more expenses.

They told me that my left arm would be sore and heavy, like someone punched me really hard, for awhile. And it's true. Also, apparently I've been really quiet and slow. My family says it's like someone turned the volume down on me, and put me in slow-motion. I was talking to someone on the phone, and they said asked me if I had a cold, because my voice sounded raspy. This is weird, because I don't FEEL too different.

They wanted me to bring my immunization record to the consultation. That was weird, because they work at the place that has those records. I tried calling the people in charge of them, but I only ever got the answering machine. I left one message and then called daily, but never got a response. Fortunately, I remembered that they emailed me my records when I had to get them for Katimavik. So I looked them up and printed them out. They were like, two years old, but at least I had something I could hand them and say "I haven't had any vaccinations since", which was a lot better than nothing. When I got there, she said "Oh, you brought them! Thanks! Wait, I have a copy right here. You keep that." A lot of wasted anxiety over nothing. Oh, well.

The travel-person got in touch with me. Before, it was like, "Organize it yourself. Meet us at the airport, but you can't travel by plane."

Well, now they're funding my trip, have come up with a good schedule to travel by, they're fully reimbursing me, they've taught me how to navigate between the train station and the airport, and they've told me where exactly in the airport I have to go, and what to recognize them by.

Just waiting on my Criminal Record Check now. Just the other day, I got my driver's license with updated address. Since I ordered both things on the same day, if it took each of them a comparable amount of time to reach me, that's a good sign.

On my 13-point check-off CWY requirement list, there's only one left unchecked now. Although, there's really two steps, since they've suggested a method of travel, but I still have to buy the ticket.

I saw a Katimavik van the other day. One in GUELPH! It was driving by, so I didn't get a chance to approach. There wasn't a group in it, just a lot of furniture. I wonder if Guelph is getting it's own group? Or maybe stuff is just cheaper in Guelph than wherever they're going. I looked up "Katimavik Guelph" online, and what I got was a blog from a person whose group did a day trip excursion to Guelph. That's seems weird to me, but I know everyone, everywhere had the attitude that they were surprised anyone would travel to their hometown. Grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. There was also an article from our newspaper on two participants who were native to Guelph.

Cats Cats Cats

One of the things I really enjoy about these new animals is, I didn't name them. Seems like I've wound up making the final call for too many of our pet names. I've made such wise decisions as to name our first rat "Pretty", our gerbil "Scamper" our hamster "Furry", our cat "Blackavar" and our rabbit "Moss". The first three were descriptive, but the last two are references. "Blackavar" was a rabbit from the book Watership Down. That's right. We owned a rabbit and a cat, and I named the cat after a rabbit. Blackavar was my favourite rabbit from that book, but his personality was about directly the opposite from our cat. His alternate name propositions were "Charcoal" and "Sootfoot". As for our rabbit, Moss. If you ask me, I'll tell you it's because we rescued him from a neglectful situation, and that the toughest plant that can grow on anything is moss. Naming him after a plant is a tradition carried through our pet names, keeping with the Watership Down theme. It was just a matter of choosing the plant.

...Actually, that's what I'll tell you I'd tell you, but I'll most likely say "I dunno" because I know my alibi is BS. Truth be told, he's named after an unfortunate event in my life. An unfortunate event that was unfortunate when I chose that name for him. So, why did I name him that? I don't know. Seemed right at the time. Why do people keep taking my name ideas? I don't know that, either.

Whenever I tell people my rabbit's name, they say, "Like Kate Moss?" and I say "Who's Kate Moss?" I seriously don't know. I think she's a model. Maybe I should Google her sometime.

I don't think I have as much of a cat fixation as the rest of the rest in my family. I mean, if you put a cat in front of me, I'm going to love it. But if there isn't a cat in front of me, I don't think, "Oh no, I need a cat in front of me!"

I'm probably just in denial. In my group, one of the guys was complaining that girls drop conversation to pet an animal. He warned me never to trust a girl who likes animals. Later on, we ran across a cat, and I beckoned to it. When he frustratedly told me to "come on", I told him, "Fuck you, I want to pet the kitty". Similarly, when my group came across a cat, it would generally be all the girls plus Gryphon that paid attention.

My one trait that breached language barrier and helped me find common ground with those who didn't speak English was my attention to neighborhood cats, too.

So I guess all that tough-guy talk about being less cat-focused than the rest of my family was kind of unjustified, thinking back on it.

More Cats

The cats are getting along fine. When we first introduced our current cat, Blackavar, to our now deceased cat, Penny, Penny flipped out and attacked. I was shocked, as I'd never seen her react that way before. When we had that little saga with the damaged homeless kitten, the two cats had a similar disagreement. There's a neighborhood stray that cruises by and tries to fight with Blackavar through the window. I assumed it was natural instinct for cats to initially get into turf wars, no matter how unimposing the other cat seemed, but apparently, this isn't the case for all of them. These new guys must have very little fight in them, and Blackavar can sense that. After letting them sniff at each other for a day, we formally introduced them, with very little turbulence. We let them interact freely now, but only while supervised. They get along great with the rabbit, too, strangely.

Thor's kind of surly and introverted around other cats. He's real friendly around humans and the rabbit, but if Blackavar approaches, he hisses. Strangely enough, he hisses at Luna, too. He doesn't attack, but he hides under the bed a lot.

I know Luna's originally from the humane society, I know she was introduced to Thor to keep him company, and I know Luna's under a year old. This leads me to believe that, after the old owners lost Thor's companion and no longer had a schedule to keep him company, they got him Luna to be his new companion. But Thor and Luna didn't hit it off, so they adopted them both away. This means that, even though we got them as a twofer, Thor is probably still on the tail end of the introductory stage.

So, I figured out why I assumed CWY would buy my ticket. It's their custom... they just decided not to with me. This is what it says under travel:

"Canada World Youth will cover all of your transportation costs during the program, including from your departure point to the designated meeting point at the beginning of your exchange. However, you will need to cover costs from your home to the departure point.

Departure point: Your departure point will most likely be the bus station, train station or airport closest to your home. The transportation from your home to your departure point will not be reimbursed."

But when I got my own travel info:

"IMPORTANT: You are asked to organize your own transportation from your departure point to your meeting point (by bus, train or car). You will receive a partial reimbursement."

The meeting point is in Montreal Trudeau Airport. I don't so much mind having to pay my own way, but I don't exactly know when or where I'm supposed to meet them. It feels like this thing is getting kicked off with a survival test. There's no explanation for why I have to do this... They just backed down on what they said. If I can't trust them for this, why should I trust them for anything else? I mean, this time around I'm okay, but I won't be if they keep pulling stunts like this. Man, I'm pissed.

All my $28000 is in, at least. Turns out, my Criminal Record check passed the three week mark a couple days ago.

New Cats

We got two new cats. We didn't get them from the humane society... That's where they were originally from, but we got them from a couple who were looking for a new owner, since they had recently had a child, and were concerned that they weren't able to give them enough attention. We were originally only looking for one, but this seemed really opportune. During my lifetime, I think we've only had cats in pairs. They've been single during periods after their partner's death, but two has been our comfort zone. The new cat was, from my perspective, supposed to be my replacement, and to fill the void in my family's hearts while I'm gone, although I'm sure that's needlessly narcissistic.

We got a one-year-old black tabby female named Luna, and a six-year-old fluffy black male named Thor. Both are fixed, microchipped, and all that.

They're both super-mellow. We're keeping them separate from our old cat for now, so they can sniff at each other from under the door and get acquainted a bit before formal introductions. Nobody's acted hostilely. We've already introduced them to our rabbit with no issues.

Turns out, CWY expects me to organize my own transportation to our meeting point. Our meeting point is in Montreal... Why'd they talk about covering travel expenses, and asking me where the nearest airport from me was, using a drop-down menu, if they were going to completely disregard it? Oh, well.

Did I post about going to get my criminal record check? I'll need to check the archives, and see if I can get a date. They said it would be two to three weeks, but I still haven't got it, and I'm pretty sure it's well over. Same with my driver's license with the updated address. There's a postal strike over here, and it's come at a really inopportune time. Even when I get my check, I still have to send it into them, and it's already overdue. If I had to reorder, I'd be done. Not enough time.

Here's the link to that Personal Support Worker course I was interested in taking, if you're interested: http://www.conestogac.on.ca/fulltime/program.jsp?SchoolID=3&ProgramCode=1165&v=1101&p=o

Reviews Blog and Humane Society

I just added four reviews to my reviews blog. I probably won't link them, because you probably won't read them. That's not me having a cynical view of how many people read my reviews, it's only because, if you're a relatively longstanding reader, you've probably already read them. I know I've said this before, but there have been some things that I've written on this blog that could count as reviews, but which I just sort of didn't realize at the time. I went back hunting for Yume Nikki and Plants vs. Zombies, picked up My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and curiously decided my Twitter rant counted as a review.

So I've at least posted in both of my branch blogs since coming back. I'm happy.

It was weird reading over all that stuff I'd written It was better than I thought. I always think my newer content is worse than my old content in terms of writing quality... and I think my old stuff is factually or ideologically bad, but when I look over them, I tend to find them positive surprises and consistent quality.

I also changed the name of my Katima-Gryphon blog to The Migrating Gryphon and changed the subject from "A blog on my experiences in Katimavik" to "A blog on my experiences in Katimavik and Canada World Youth". I'll only be able to update it when I'm in Quebec, though, and then I'll have to use one of those screwy French keyboards that gimps English punctuation. My Malian placement has no electricity.

Knowing me, I'll probably keep a written journal, and mean to copy the entries onto my blog, but I'll be too lazy after I come back, and just shelve it.

We're looking into getting another cat. We visited the humane society recently... It was really depressing. I can sort of understand the necessity of having one, I guess... But no matter what rationale you put for the reasons on why they do the things they do, I'm never going to feel warm and fuzzy inside by the presence of so much imprisonment, castration and murder.

And even if you're there to rescue one... You come out feeling worse than otherwise, because you weren't able to rescue them all.

I'm going to see a number of old friends tomorrow, for a farewell get-together.

OD'd on Caffeine

Hey guys, I had a caffeine overdose. I... didn't know that could happen. But it can, it did, and it was bad. I got dizzy, my heart started racing, I started yelling, and even partially collapsed. This happened in public, too.

And no, I'm not saying “caffeine” as a code word for a less legal substance. It was seriously just caffeine. And not even through those hyper-strong energy drink like Red Bull... Just coffee. I had three cups, but didn't realize each of them had the strength of three, so it was more like nine.

Coffee is the lamest thing to OD on... It's so innocent... It's like ODing on fresh air!

I got better, though. Got to a quieter place, drank lots of water, found some shade...

I've got this feeling right now, like there's a billiards ball in my chest where my heart should be. When I'm highly stressed or feeling panicky, I get this sensation. It's just anxiety, though... Not anything new for me.

First time I slept deeply after the panic, I had a very vivid dream...

There was a party at our place, and Mr. T was there. He'd taught me Karate for a month and acted as judge in a competition I'd performed in. I didn't know if he'd remember me, but he did, and we really hit it off.

Then I went downstairs and took off all my clothes for no reason, and then realized that that floor was full of open windows and I was standing in front of one which had Mr. T's group outside of it. I thought they might not have seen me, but that guy from the "punching people before they eat" skit on Saturday Night Live or Mad TV made eye contact with me, smiled and nodded.

I quickly dressed and told Mom and my brother about this embarrassing occasion, but there were people listening everywhere. So, to avoid further embarrassment, I started changing key words in my story to "pig", which kind of made sense because there were pigs everywhere for some reason.

Then my Grandpa, who'd been listening in, said that he "didn't have a problem with pigs". I said "Yeah?" and he said "No, the problem I have is with this guy Nick and how he treats you."

Then I recalled that I had told my grandpa a fake story earlier to cover another embarrassing story. I had said the first lie to jump into my head, which was that a guy named Nick would beat me up and tell me what to do frequently.

When I woke up, there was a huge lightning storm... There was so much lightning it wasn't even dark out, though it was night. It knocked the light out in the city all night long.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Hey, so have you heard of the latest craze among guys in my age bracket? A show by the name of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I don't want to bother getting making an Imageshack account and uploading a picture right now, so just trust me... it's exactly what it sounds like. Here, I'll post a link: http://www.avclub.com/articles/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic,55168/

Wait. That links to another blog, with a different review. No, don't read that one. Read this one. Look at the picture that he bothered to upload, and then come back.

For emphasis, the main cast includes characters with the following names: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fluttershy. And it's really mainstream. If you talk to any young adult male about it, you're expected to know.

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, it's nice to see guys during their machismo-focus years learning to value qualities which are, but should not be, considered exclusive merits of the female gender... Qualities like honesty, sharing, kindness, loyalty, friendship etc. I was way ahead of these guys on watching girly kids' shows, too. I started up as soon as it looked ironic (16).

But that's the thing... All these guys like this show unironically. For instance, I knew these two guys who got into a pretty bad tussle over something... They both walked away feeling sore. One of the guys left and watched some My Little Pony to cool down. Then he remembered the value of his friendship, gained perspective on his friends feelings, and came back to sort things out productively. My Little Pony actually helped these guys overcome an actual, real-world conflict that would have likely otherwise been damaging.

And that's great. If My Little Pony helps make this a world where people can reach out and understand each other better, who am I to complain?

In fact, it's not so surprising that it would be quality... It was created by the makers of Powerpuff Girls and Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends, both little kids shows with a surprising amount of appeal.

But, after watching two episodes, I have to say, I think both PPG and Fosters are vastly superior. It's not that My Little Pony is bad... It's just really, really average. It is everything you'd expect of a show that preaches basic morals to little girls. I don't see the appeal at all.

And I want to... I want to see the ground-breaking series that turned a bunch of hard manly-men to seriously consider the values of more a more sensitive and considerate lifestyle. But whatever they see in it, it just flies over my head.

I should have probably posted this in my reviews blog, but I won't.

Oh, I'm going to be in Toronto this weekend, and probably won't be able to update.