Au Revoir,

Well, this'll be my last regular post. I'll be copy/pasting my email newsletters into my Migrating Gryphon account, found on my profile, if you're interested in keeping up-to-date that way, although since my two regular readers here are also on the email newsletter... Well, it's still a good way for me to keep track of my information.

I managed to salvage $900. Not bad for someone who lost their entire bank account, and in the course of a day, hey? It's called not putting all your eggs in one basket, although really, a bank should be a pretty reliable basket. But at least I'm not going into the program broke.

I'm taking a train tomorrow, around 6:30 AM, transferring once in Toronto, and then going to Dorval, Quebec.

I still don't have my requisites for the program complete. They haven't processed my Criminal Record Check yet, because last week happened to be St. John Baptiste. The program starts tomorrow! Why did everything happen so it would all be stretched to this fine line?!

I'm crazy nervous, I don't mind telling you. There's something wrong with my spirit. Usually, I'm so nervous about living an ordinary life, of living stagnantly, not making progress, of not putting down memory bench-posts regularly. Usually I'm obsessed with memory-manipulation to make my lifespan feel longer, usually, I'm hyper-competitive, and if I'm not doing something cool, I feel like I'm falling behind those of my generation.

But I don't have any of that adventure, that spark, that competitive fight in me right now. You can see it in my behaviour toward this blog. I invented it as a means of making sure I had one important thing to say every day, to motivate me to be active, and to manipulate my memory to make time slower. Lately I haven't been updating nearly so much... Honestly, about one-third of the amount I used to... And do you know why? Because lately I just want to hide under my covers, play video games, not think about them, and just... freeze.

The last thing I felt really competitive and compassionate about was Karate, but after I got my Orange Belt, I had met my goal, and even that passion petered out.

I'm terrified of this trip. I was terrified when I got the message, and I was terrified when I accepted.

I feel guilty, too. When I did Katimavik... Ooh, deja vu... I think I've said this before. Sorry. But, when I did Katimavik, I was directionless, unemployable, and I was going through a certain kind of crisis. Coming back, I was employable, I gained direction, and I'd gotten over my crisis.

Now I'm putting off my education to go be random in Africa, because I felt entitled to do this trip when I was given the opportunity, but was denied due to life circumstances the last time around.

The past couple weeks, I've had something I'd wanted to say, but didn't want to in case it hurt my conviction...

...I don't want to go.

Don't get me wrong... I'm going to go, and I'm going to learn to love it, because, strip away my adventure, spark, enthusiasm, competitive spirit, and love for gaining new stories, what have you left? Stubbornness, pride, and courage. Not the sweetest roster, but if they can get the job done, what have I to say? I've gone through so much to get here... And so many people have invested themselves in me... It's like Katimavik. I can't back down now.

In Katimavik, I had a period like this. But it was the first three days after I started the program, not the last two weeks before I left.

I keep thinking things like... Electronics screw up around me... There's a scientific theory about electromagnetic frequencies that come out of humans... How some people's are a little out of whack and it messes with things... What if I'm that way, and I wind up accidentally mind-boogying the plane, and I crash the plane into the sea and we all die?! Or... what if I can't take Mali's climate, and I panic, lose my mind, have a heart attack, there are no doctors, and I die?! Or what if the Large Hadron Collider loses control of it's sustained antimatter, creates a black hole, and I die?! I don't want to die while I'm away!!!!

And there's no backing out of CWY. The application system was built to eliminate those who would back out even before they start. Every candidate is relying on their counterpart to stick it through, because this is done in a system of pairs. And good luck dropping out when there's no electricity or mode of communication.

Anyway... Sorry to leave on such a downer... You guys get to see the dark underbelly of my psychology... The "real" me. I guarantee you, all the newsletter posts are gonna be sugar and gumdrops about me having the time of my life... and I won't let my doubt show. Oh well, it's best to leave on this note. It's normal to feel fear, but feeling fear and allowing yourself to be controlled by it are two very different things. Hopefully, I'll look back on this when I come back and realize what a right decision I had made.