Various Stresses, Mainly

Here are the other two images I wanted to show.

Today, Louise was sick, so I didn't go to her place to hand out ticket. I told her not to worry, that there were other places I could go, but I was bluffing. I had a couple of ideas, but neither fell through, and I didn't have the nerve to go around actively giving them away. Grandma misinterpreted my last post to mean that I was going to hand them out at the farmer's market, which would have been a really good idea, but it was too late by the time I checked my inbox. None of this was anybody's fault, but still, I'm disappointed with how things worked out.

On top of this, my family's having some really tight financial difficulties. This has happened in the past, but this is the first time that I've been standing "at the front" so to speak, to witness and handle things throughout. To be honest, my nerves aren't holding up so well.

I'm going to see my father tomorrow, and he's going to drop by to say hi to my mom and brother before we head off. I don't think it would be disrespectful for me to say this is a little nerve-wracking.

In other news, Mom surpassed last week's profit at the farmer's market again this week. This time, they did make an extra sale, instead of just selling something more expensive. They've got a pricing system down, now, and they're looking at introducing necklaces to their selection.

I went to open practice at karate for the first time this week. I got my sensei to go over the final third of my kata and it went well. Open practice was a whole lot different from a regular lesson. No bowing in ceremony, no lesson, and half child attendance. Even though the class was an hour, while a normal one is an hour and a half, usually there's a bowing in ceremony, some meditation, we do some chanting, we do some exercises, we do some stetches, we learn something that's not strictly a part of the curiculum, and then we get around to practicing the katas, if it is a kata lesson that day. So being able to practice only what I was having difficulty with, and it being not a whole kata, but only a segment of a kata, for a full hour really helped immensely. I also felt that, even though it was a new move, I learned it surprisingly quick.

This was actually partly due to my being instructed by a helpful child who was a belt level above me. It's always strange meeting a child with eyes that are clear and capable of accurate interpretation. That is, she first attempted to teach me the full technique, and when I didn't get it, she turned the technique to smaller pieces, and taught me memory tricks for it. When my sensei later reviewed me, it turned out that her interpretations had been correct.

I'm not surprised that someone so young would be better at a technique, or that they would be able to repeat a lesson taught to them by a teacher to me, but the fact that she was able to adapt her teaching style to suit my own specific difficulties seems surprisingly clear-minded for such an age.

Filling Out Forms, Fall Photos

Here are some Fall pics. I can't put them all in one post, for some reason, so I'll put up the rest in the next post. If I keep taking photos, I guess I could make another blog for them, but that's still a ways from now.

Today was pretty stressful. I had to go see my doctor to fill out that form for Katimavik. First I had to wait in the waiting room for 45 minutes, then I had to wait in the doctor's office for 20 minutes. When I finally saw her, she wanted to talk about the results of my therapist appointment. I'm going to see a sleeping therapist for insomnia, and get a reassessment for ADD. I don't know if I mentioned that here.

Anyway, once we got around to the form, I was a little annoyed by the form saying I needed to be in "excellent physical and mental condition". I mean, that's all well and good, but I didn't enjoy sitting there and saying that I was so excellent. Made me feel cocky.

And where my doctor had to make notes about depression, anxiety, learning difficulties, insomnia, Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D deficiency, it was pretty awkward, because the form made it seem like it was some high-end program, and she didn't want to ruin my chances, but at the same time, she had her integrity as a doctor.

But she was interested in boosting my credentials. She put down that we were waiting on a reassessment for the learning disabilities, that I was diagnosed when I was very young, that my anxiety and depression were likely linked to events, rather than being inherent qualities of my personality. She also asked to get my Certificate of Completion for W2W to demonstrate my recent abilities.

Also, I was supposed to bring a form with my signature of consent. I didn't, because that's on the forms I needed to fill out, but I shouldn't have made assumptions. And she wants my history for hepatitis shots, or something. I dunno, she wrote all this down, so I can go and check.

Anyway, so I need those three things. Getting my medical history might be a bit of a chore, but the other two things are easy. Hopefully I can hand this into the front desk by Monday.

Sheesh, the less likely you are to get in, the more work you need to put into it, getting all these forms and stuff to prove your weaknesses. That seems cruel.

Louise came by today, and we ate lunch. She says I can bring my karate coupons and hand them out over at her place on Halloween, which is very nice.

Since it was the last Thursday of the month, it was "grading" or whatever that means, at karate. Apparently it's something for blackbelts. So there wasn't any class, and I couldn't get my blue stripe.

Haircut, Karate, Halloween, Autumn

Hi guys. Sorry I haven't been on recently. Even with my stealthy publication style, it seems this is falling into an occasional thing. I'm at the library this time. Gotta make this quick, as last time I tried to publish at the library, I ran out of time, and the time before that, I also ran out of time, but at least I managed to cap it off. I have other things to do on the computer today, so I'd best make this a quick update.

I got my hair cut. I let my mom do it because I didn't want the barber at Magicuts to grill me again. It went alright.

In karate, I'm training for my black stripe. Gonna be tested next week. I think I already said that that would be my hardest stripe, but I've got the kata about two-thirds of the way down. I had a blackbelt observe me. He wasn't teaching that day, but was kind enough to stick his neck out. Said I was doing good. Some things I could improve on my technique, but I've at least got the first two thirds memorized.

I don't think it's an out-of-reach goal, but it's going to be difficult. Of course, I'm only going to be tested because the head honcho thinks I'm at the point where it's conceivable that I get it in a week. If I don't get it, there's no consequence, but my rival white belt is already being tested. I'm a stripe ahead of him, and he came close to getting the stripe that I'm ahead of him on last week. He might get it this week, today or tomorrow. So it's unlikely, but conceivable that I lose my lead. I'm gonna try for my blue stripe this Thursday, though.

I got tickets to give out to kids on Halloween. Free month of free karate, and every kid that signs up gets me a free month. So if I get all the kids to sign up, I get nineteen months of free karate! I'm not in a position to feel the money I'm losing on these classes, but the concept of getting free lessons still invigorates me!

Now, I live in an apartment, so I can't give 'em out at my door, but I know someone now who I might be able to hand them out at. If not there, I'll figure something out. It's too good an offer to pass off.

I love Halloween, by the way. I remember trick or treating. It wasn't so long ago. Last tiem I went I was SIXTEEN! I deemed correctly deemed myself too old at Fifteen, but one of my friends coaxed me and three others to give it one last go. I looked old for my age, too, so every other house was asking me if I were a little old for trick-or-treating? One time, my friend, the guy who coaxed me into it, said "DAD! What are you doing?!" and the person wouldn't give me candy on account of me being his father.

It was funny, because he was older than me!

Yyyyeah, I guess I shouldn't have gone. But hey! If I made you a bit uncomfortable with my elderly trick-or-treating, I bet I wasn't as annoying as the people who egged your house, which was the current age-appropriate Halloween activity.

You know what's odd about having Fall as a favourite season? Well, Summer and Winter are sitting states of climate, while Fall and Spring are activity seasons. By that I mean, you can go to the tropics if you want summer all the time, and you can go to the arctic for constant winter, but tyou can't go anywhere for constant Fall or Spring. That's because, even if you found a place where the temporature and climate were right, the falling leaves or budding flowers are circumstantial occurances. They happen because of change. And anything that is constant cannot be in a constant state of change, you get me?

Mom's Business and Stuff

Yesterday Mom went to the farmer's market. They sold the same amount, but more expensive things were bought, which means they made a larger profit. So they've gone up this week from the week before, and they had gone up that week from the week before that..

Granddad came over today. It wasn't too cheerful a visit, as we mostly discussed financial difficulties.

He did, however, come up with a new product idea for Mom's business.

Ugh... I don't think I should call it Mom's business, since it was Louise's idea, materials, and knowledge that got this going. But I can't exactly call it Louise's business because she's made it clear that Mom is a partner, and an equal, and Mom's my mom, so it'd be rude for me to call the business by another name, when she stands on equal footing. But I can't call it Mom's and Louise's, because there's a third partner, whom I'm not so close to, but if I name two out of three, the third person becomes actively excluded.

So there's nothing I can call it here without it being awkward. Seems the company name keeps changing, too.

Anyway, so it was Granddad's idea to market these little bugs made out of... mechanical pieces. I think you can find them inside computers. Mom made him and Oma one some years back, I think while she was still in college. Anyway, they're cool. Gonna make larger ones as general decorations, like for a desk or whatever, and then smaller ones as earrings.

I don't know if I said before, but they started out exclusively on earrings? Yeah, well, they've recently expanded. They're doing finger rings, and these little statues. I think they'll be doing decoratively-shaped panels that surround light switches. And they can apparently do stained glass now, too, which I'm not sure what they'll do with.

They're doing festive ones, too. Got a Halloween line, but it's only going up the day of Halloween. I think it would've been good to have a week of prep time for the customers. They've got a Christmas line started, though, and they'll put that out well in advance.

Apparently there's a lot of other people at the farmer's market that sell jewellery. That's weird. Nothing wrong with it... It's just not what jumps to mind when I picture a farmer's market.

When they get their website here, I'll link it on this blog. If they get their images... on this computer somehow, before they get the website up, then I'll post images. If I can figure out how to post images onto here.

Seems they've got a regular weekly table at the farmer's market. That's no small thing. It's not huge, either, but it's not like everyone's guaranteed a spot.

Otherwise, I did inventory on the rough copies of my webcomic. I should have had over twenty stories, but it turns out that, for some reason, I only have fifteen. I'm really hoping I didn't give them to my ex. I know I was lending her copies... I don't think I lent six, at any rate!

Huh. I don't think I have any bargaining chips on my side, if it turns out this is what happened.

I have my Fall pics uploaded on the computer. I'd like to post them here if I can, so I hope to have that figured out by tomorrow.

Two New Reviews

Still don't have a good connection. To compensate, I've been writing in OpenOffice and I'm copy/pasting onto here during my brief opportunities. I got around to writing two reviews today, though, so I didn't manage to do a standard blog update. If you want to check them out, I did one on the videogame Scribblenauts and one on the children's fild The Brave Little Toaster. The latter's is four and a half pages long!!!! Here are the links.

Scribblenauts: http://gryphonsreviews.blogspot.com/2009/10/videogame-scribblenauts.html
The Brave Little Toaster: http://gryphonsreviews.blogspot.com/2009/10/film-brave-little-toaster.html

Recession, Health Stuff

I think that my troubles updating recently have fully countered my rapid-posting stint awhile back. I tried updating at the library today, but I ran out of time, since I had to share with some other stuff. I got some writing done, but I had to save it half-finished. Luckily, the Internet here turned on.

So... you know what I kind of think about this recession? I think society as we know it is going to go under any day now, and in our defenseless state, all those countries that have been wanting a piece of us are going to storm in, and because we haven't been conditioned to survive in such an environment, our population will be cut down severely. After a length of civil warring, North America will divide into a series of smaller nations, a caste system will open up, and we will be on the lowest caste.

...Anyway, I was going to get my blue stripe in karate yesterday, but since counseling occurred during that time, I missed my chance. I know I can get my blue stripe, and I know I can get my green stripe. Yellow probably won't stop me. Black is hard. Blue, white and yellow are just a series of moves. I already got white, I've got blue down, and yellow's coming along. Green is attendance, and Red is self-defense. I've got red.

Black is a kata. A kata is a series of moves that you have to remember and execute in a set pattern. It's like a dance. A fight-dance. Anyway, I'm no good at it.

You need to have white, red, blue, yellow, green and black stripes to go to the next belt level. I don't know the belt levels too well. I know white is the weakest, yellow is the second-weakest. Brown is lower than green, green is lower than purple, and black is the highest.

I weighed myself recently, and I've lost ten pounds.

And yow! People have been on me about the weight thing recently! Losing the weight probably doesn't mean as much to me as it does to other people. Around the time I graduated from W2W, people have been heavy-implying that I needed to lose weight.

In their defense, I did weigh myself and it turned out I'd gained sixty pounds. I don't exactly know when it happened, I don't weigh myself too often.

In any case, it's a little depressing how people reacted to my weight gain. First of all, the art of implication is a jerk art. If the recipient doesn't catch it, it's pointless, and if they do, it doesn't make it any easier. It's just a way of saying something offensive without the recipient being able to talk back. It protects the talker, not the listener.

Secondly, really, physical appearance is not that important. When I was a child, I was taught to judge people by their actions. I think this is something that most children are taught, but it turns out that, for most people, it's not a lesson that comes too easy.

And even when it comes to health, I'll bet you that if you took all the amount of time a person who lives a healthy lifestyle spends concentrated on healthy living, then subtract the amount of extra time he got on his total lifespan, the time would be in the negative.

So if you can enjoy a healthy lifestyle, that's all well and good, but there's no point in trying to impress your ways on others.

Counselling, Blog Access

Well, I saw those counselors today. Mom and Duncan went, too. I guess it went alright. They didn't do a lot of talking outside of asking what seemed like pretty standard stuff, so I don't really have material to pass judgment.

I can't talk for too long again... I had to use my computer time catching up with other things, and since our connection has been so bad, my turn is in much shorter supply than usual. So while this is still a top priority, I still have to share my time with other things. I'll try to get to the library and update from there in the future.

Do you know what two things I hate most about having roaches? I hate hearing people get startled by them, and I hate seeing them being killed. I don't really see the point in roach traps. If you hate seeing them so much, why concentrate them in one area, in various states of dead and dying? Realistically, there's no way it will put any kind of perceivable dent in their population. It seems to me no more than an act of aggression.

Otherwise, Mom and her crew hit the farmer's market again last week. Forgot to say anything about it. They sold four pairs of earrings, which is four times better than the one pair they sold the week before. I'm glad they haven't gotten discouraged.

But SHEESH! They're all bugging on me to work retail there! NOTHING DOING! They tried pointing out that girls like jewelery, and I like girls. Nice try. They tried pointing out that guys wear jewelery. Oh, so now I'm supposed to WEAR the stuff?!

NONONONONONONO!!!

Saw that psychiatrist today. It went alright. She seemed set on her own paths at times, but I communicated all of my issues, and she brought up some plausible theories and things worth looking into. Her report will be ready for my doctor next week, and I can get the medical stuff for Katimavik finished.

In a Rush

Sorry guys, I'm in a bit of a rush today and can't stick around. I wasted my computer time writing a review of Life of Pi. If you're interested, it's here: http://gryphonsreviews.blogspot.com/2009/10/life-of-pi.html

Weird Guy, The Brave Little Toaster

So that guy was shouting stuff again last night. This time clearly enough that I could understand what he was saying. He tended to repeat himself, but I can't remember everything he said. I know he said:
"You mess with this guy, you fucking die!"
"You're all a bunch of fucking girls!"
"BOOYA!"
"What're you looking at?!"
"DIE BITCH!"
"DEAD! DEEEAAAD!"

What was strange was that he didn't seem to be yelling at anyone in particular. He would stomp around outside, alone, throw a bunch of stuff around, and then some people would open their door, chastise him, tell him to come inside, which he would with some coaxing, but then he'd pop out again and start screaming around at nothing again.

Otherwise, I finished that book, Life of Pi. I'll do a review, but I might have to get off the computer too early for it to be this update.

I updated my comic again today. I've got enough material on my computer to last a good long while, but I don't post them all at once, because that's not good marketing.

Huh. Yesterday was Friday. Did I post anything regrettable? I guess so. But for more subtle reasons, that you folks wouldn't understand even if I told you.

I watched some clips from The Brave Little Toaster, which was one of my favourite movies as a child. WOW! So messed up! It references suicide, talks about how all your life's accomplishments are worthless, because in the end we all wind up dead, shows murder, suicide, an mutilation, makes innocent things like hobbies and upgrading technology seem cruel, and shows minor mistakes made by children to have horribly cruel consequences.

To be honest, I still loved all the clips. But it really makes me wonder, what kind of messed up kid was I? And how was this suitable for children?

Mysterious Scuffle, Webcomic

Huh! So yesterday there was a violent outbreak across the street. Lots of shouting, a group of people occasionally falling into grappling with each other, people coming out of their home to watch at some very late hour, and eventually, a full on chase as the police showed up and proceeded to pursue them on foot after one of them sped off when he saw him. I watched it all through my window. The guy did get caught.

Something about a breaking-and-entering occurring over where this happened was in the newspaper today, but it was dated the night before I saw this happen. I have no faith in newspapers, though, after they got the timing wrong on something I was witness to a couple years back, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say, something I didn't witness, but should have according to the paper.

What I didn't witness was a lock-down procedure at my high school when a guy apparently brandished a weapon on school property. According to the newspaper, it happened during a time when I was at the school, but it didn't. It happened the next period. I have a schoolful of witnesses.

Anyway, in this case, I did see something happen across the street on the night they specify as well. A group of people screaming at each other, occasionally grappling, breaking away from each other, and engaging each other again. Basically the same scenario that I saw last night, but the police didn't get involved that time. I thought it was the same people in conflict both times, too.

The article in the paper wasn't clear about what happened. It says that one person broke into a house, and then the house owner forcibly removed three people, and then one person was punished. What was up with the other two people who were forcibly removed? Well, the numbers are right. The group in conflict was a group of four, with one person against three, but it seemed like it was the one person standing alone that the cops took after, so that's kind of the opposite.

Utterly baffling.

Anyway, I uploaded my webcomic for the first time in a long time due to technical difficulties, and it turns out I was favourited sometime in my absence. And when I updated yesterday, I got watched and favourited!

Alright, so I'm not releasing my webcomic's specific location, but I will say for clarification on my terminology that I'm talking deviantART. If you know where that is, you'll know that success there doesn't always translate to success elsewhere, since all of the people who frequent it are so nauseatingly positive. However, I'm still surprised at the level of success I've had, since I'm dealing with material I originally came up with when I was 13.

On my more recent account, I have four submissions, two watchers, and two favourites. That averages out one watcher or one favourite per update. On my previous account, I gained a watcher and two favourites for five updates. Not as good but still formidable.

I know... Nine updates and I've been talking like I regularly update since the start of this blog. I'll carry that shame.

The reason I abandoned my old account was because it was the one where I associated with the FILTHY TRAITORS! And also, my ex helped with the artwork on a few of them, and while she admittedly said I could keep them, and they're better than I could do, I still wanted to start afresh. I'd rather rise up as an unknown than as a guy with cred from a bunch of traitors for a bunch of different stuff.

Actually, having given up my advantage makes it odd that I'm doing better this time around. Oh wait... I was only talking about the success I had unrelated to my advantage on the previous account. My ex favourited my first three updates, and a friend of mine favourited another one.

But still! More attention from strangers this time around.

Yeah, yeah, I know my old account could be traced back to my new one, but if that happened, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I feel bad about my one stranger watcher from my previous account.

I also have a Drunk Duck account, but I forgot the sizing for it, and it's fallen two updates behind. Also, I haven't received any success there.

Total score (from strangers): Nine updates, three watchers, four favourites

The other day at karate we practised self defense and since there weren't any people near my belt rank, I had to do advanced grappling with a purple belt. Turns out, it's impossible to break my bearhug grapple using a traditional technique. Or at least, two purple belts and two black belts couldn't. I brought attention to myself from the entire dojo. Then, in wrestling, I bested two purple belts, but lost three times to a black belt. I'm not sure if it's cool or a little depressing to have such advanced accomplishments so early on.

I was feeling really down that day, so the accomplishments made by my webcomic, along with the accomplishments at karate, cheered me up some.

Abandoning the Method

Well, I guess the plan was a failure. Even spamming this blog, I only got around to doing it sometimes twice a day, and managed to probably exactly make up for the days I'd missed before, so if anything, now the posts are more in sync with the days that have passed since I started doing this, and it seems I can't help myself from posting about things I'd say weren't ideal for Google.

Anyway, it's been eighteen months since I got the last credit I needed to graduate from high school. Eighteen months! And the lack of progress I've made is a little irritating.

Also, seems like I can't stir attention in people anymore. I don't get a lot of response from the world in most any way.

I've been feeling really depressed and isolated.

Yesterday I went outside and took some photos of the fall leaves. I got a few good ones, but not as many as I'd hoped.

Oh, and yesterday, when I said I got cursed by a double-fire horse, and that that was the reason my life took this direction, don't take that to mean that I want to retake the direction my life was going in before I was cursed. I'm just upset that I wound up eating the hoof of a Fire Horse in general, and am trying to figure out if there's a way to dispel it.

Eh... and don't think I don't know how crazy I'm making myself sound. I'm still trying out more... traditional theories and attempting to improve my life by using more logical methods, but those haven't worked so far, so I'm trying everything.

Chinese Astrological Ponderings

After further consideration, I realized that CWY's price is akin to that of the tuition of a semester of college. You can apparently get academic credits from it, and I'll look into it, but I don't think I meet those terms. It is probably a life-changing experience, but right now I don't live for myself, or for anyone else, so all I see is that I'd be spending money that could normally get me a credit, but wouldn't in this case. I guess my guidance counselor gave the suggestion based on the fact that I sounded confident in my direction when I said I was looking into Katimavik, and that made her think I'd gotten a life direction. WRONG!

Otherwise, yesterday I buried all the photos of me and my ex together on Facebook by tagging myself in a bunch of my old profile pics. Normally, you tag yourself in a photo only when there's other people to tag, but under these circumstances, I was just trying to bury old information, so there's a bunch of old pictures of me alone in the section that normally has pictures of you in groups.

Oh hey, and you know what I thought of the other day? My ex's father was a fire-fire horse under the Chinese zodiac. That is the most notorious sign of all. People would having children in that year because they feared the awesome power of the double fire horse.

Sooo... I'm not gonna stick it up here, but I had made a curse list, of all my mysterious and seemingly supernatural misfortunes that spanned two years before my visit nine months ago. After coming back, I quickly got into a pre-employment program that paid me over $1000, and then I made that money again on general labour directly afterward, and someone who had said he'd let me travel with him next time he went to Washington, and then who didn't for over a year, finally found need to travel there almost directly after my visit.

And then there was that weird seen where Fire Horse looked me in the eyes and told me to "never blame myself".

You get where I'm going with this right? I was literally cursed by the magic of the Fire Horse! And when those powers weren't enough, he upped the ante and dealt me a lethal blow, which sent my mind spiraling out of my body, a state which has yet to even begin to heal!

He had a motive! Three motives, to be exact! I won't go into detail here, but he had them, and that final statement was his showing remorse toward what he knew that he's done to me!

Old High School Visit

Alright, so I'm in the library now. I woke up later than I'd have liked, but I still made it to my old high school in time. To my surprise, when Mom asked me where I was going, I said I was going to "My school, to see if I can pick up some papers". MY school?! I graduated like, a year-and-a-quarter ago!

Walking into it was weird, too, because it didn't feel extraordinary or unusual. Still run-of-the-mill. All the old people are working there, too, and they don't look any different. My old principle was there, even though she's retired. Like, she was RIGHT AT THE DESK WHEN I WENT IN! I remember I went in there... to visit guidance... for some reason, right after getting tickets to see my ex nine months ago. When I went in, two of my friends were walking down the hall, and another friend was sitting around the other side of the hall, and they hadn't met each other, and I was coming up the stairs, still beneath their field of vision. It came so that it seemed that I sprang out of thin air. Both times it felt like the school had... orchestrated things a bit. It's the oldest school in Ontario. Over 200 years old, and it's even got haunted painings that have endured a giant fire mysteriously, and even more impressively, the stupidity of over 200 years of students, my friends being included in that... And even a few stupid teachers, to my astonishment!

So it must be a haunted school. Not meanly haunted, but haunted nonetheless, and it can tweak circumstances to help make me feel a bit more welcome.

Aaaanyway, my principle asked me how life was going, and I told her. It's difficult to tell what she thought of that. I remember I was selected as 1 of 8 most likely to change the world, that two of my best friends were also selected, that we were sent away to represent the school at a meeting with a somewhat famous person, where every other school had selected a group of 8, and in which the famous lady selected me over everyone else, to lead the chosen leaders in the one and only group activity held between all schools. Sorry to brag, but the point is, I'm all washed up. I had to stay an extra year before graduating, and then I tried to get into university... The school even funded me, but I wasted their money 'cause I couldn't get in, and then I never managed to get a steady job.

So anyway, my old principle got me to sign in at the office and see a guidence counselor. I can never tell what those guidence counselors think of me. They're... unorthodox. One moment they're telling me I can change the world, and funding my university application without my approaching them, next they're... I dunno... telling me to aim low, that soon age and growing responsible will kill my curiosity about the world, that I won't have the energy to worry because I'll be so weighted down with responsibility, that happiness can only be found in small and occasional things... And they'll plan a meeting, and suddenly brush me off, giving some advice I've. All smiles about it, though.

Anyway, so this guidance counselor I saw, she gave me a link to another youth volunteer program similar to Katimavik, Canada World Youth. It actually looks pretty alright. It takes place, three months in Canada, three months around the world. It does cost like $2750. It covers things like travel, food, housing, schooling, so I can't complain, but still, I want everything for free!

I'll look further into this. If you don't pay in advance, it may be worth applying for, in case I don't get into Katimavik. I'd learn about Katimavik first, because it'd happen earlier, and I can't do both programs because they overlap. I guess I COULD do both programs, since CWY is between 15-25, but that's too far in the future to consider. Point is, at this point, if I get accepted somewhere, I'm going to jump at the opportunity.

OH NO! I forgot to sign out! And school ends in 10 minutes! Should I go back? Should I go back?!

Aw... whatever. I don't think I will.

Only got 5 minutes left on the library computer. Long wait today. Never had to wait for a computer so long. Must've been close to the full 45 minutes.

Oh, there was a fire alarm close to when I entered the school. It was actually postponed so that the ex-principle could talk to me. I got to participate in the fire drill.

Sorry to talk fondly of old high school days. I know only JERKS are supposed to have enjoyed their teen years, when you're supposed to have been riddled with anxiety, but what do you expect? I've only been out of my teens for three weeks! I haven't had a lot of time to get glory days outside my teens, and I haven't had a lot of luck post-graduation, so it's nice to have something good to look bakc on.

OH! Less than a minute! Quick! Title! Send!

One thing I like about posting multiple times a day is that it means the amount of time I've spent blogging and the amount of posts aren't as relational. It's like when I used to play video games, and I'd leave the game on while I went and did other stuff, so that the charted gameplay time wouldn't be accurate to the amount I'd actually spent playing. I don't like having those things kept track of.

I went for a walk today. It smells soooo nice out! Yeah!

My pet rabbit is eating a lot more nowadays. I guess it's because the weather is getting cooler, and he's instinctively stocking up on body fat for when food should be scarce. I'm not gonna give him as much as he wants, though, because when I used to give him as much as he wanted, he got real fat real quick and his feces stuck to his fur and became a huge clump which caused all kinds of problems. After I corrected that issue I fed him only a recommended amount, and he actually stopped asking for food as regularly. Now he's started asking for more food than he should get, but he's not getting it! He doesn't need to worry about winter.

I think our pet cat needs another feline companion. He's got to acting weird. Everything he does is so huge. Cats speak to each other in more subtle ways, and when they want to communicate with humans, they kind of enhance their behaviour. Well, it took awhile, but our cat seems to have finally turned his behaviour completely from cat-to-cat to cat-to-human.

I decided to give my brother a memory association test recently. I made a vague reference to some obscure thing that in a conversation, and he named the source, which surprised me, so I upped the ante. When he decided to collect something from the old computer and sent it over to the laptop, I rearranged a random sentence from a video we watched awhile back. We'd never spoken of this sentence before, and it didn't come from a video that stood out from all the others we've seen. But when I asked him if he knew the reference, he totally stated it! Yow! That's a good memory on that kid! He's always complaining about having a bad memory, but it sure is good in some areas!

I've been falling into kind of a slump... The past few weeks have felt all blurred out. It's not pleasant. I gotta get my act together! Today being a holiday wasn't very fun for me. I like to get out there while the world is moving. Every day is a day with nothing going on for me, so a day for the world to rest is just forced monotony for me. People tend to say "Have a nice weekend" even to unemployeds like me, but I don't exactly look forward to weekends. I guess they expect me to be partying? Well, I've walked a bit closer to that side of existence these past four months or so, but I'm still a good ways off from it being anything I'd look forward to... It's mainly monotony...

Tomorrow should be a little interesting... I've got a few things planned. I'm gonna try and get my papers from my old high school, and I'm gonna maybe get my hair cut maybe.

Thanksgiving, Facebook, Decoy Posts

Looks like my late-night postings have been hampered a bit. I'm going to have to do my daily updates at pretty random intervals throughout the day now, until we get the desktop back.

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving. It's a time to reflect on your life and count what you're thankful for. Since they say that it's not what a man owns, but what he enjoys that comprises his riches, I really don't have anything to be thankful for.

...

Anyway, so obviously Facebook doesn't understand the difference between "annoying" and "delightful", because the only feedback I've received from my messages to all the Toucan Sams out there is that the membership of I Hate Toucans has grown! HA! Not from Toucan Sam, but some other guy. I think what I'll do is lower the quantity and frequency of my messages per day and more cautiously continue this same plan until every Toucan Sam has received a message. I may also switch up the content of each message a little so I don't get marked down as sending the same message over and over.

So my mom thinks I'm being weird because I won't go to the farmer's market with her and the others to try and sell jewelery. Look, I'll do work for them, I'll blog about it, and I'll put it on my resume, but I'm not going to go out there and let myself be at the mercy of hundreds of people whose opinions will be formed mainly on a quick eyeballing. I need some room to defend myself, yo!

Hey, y'know what I thought of? There's no reason I have to keep posting once a day until that one that made Google is distant in the archives to put out my decoy posts. I can update as much as I want, every day, and make my decoy posts at my leisure!

Anyway, I'm done for now. I may post later again today.

Roaches, MSN, Google, Facebook

Well, today Granddad came over, and I learned some distressing news about our financial situation. I don't want to go too far into finances on this blog. But in any case, it led me to some activity.

I finally got around to putting in some action toward possibly getting driving lessons, but it looks like the problem lies with car insurance. I'll put a bit more thought into it.

We debated about cockroaches, too. We've got a cockroach problem over here, and I won't kill them. If they carried germs or helped spread disease or illness in any way it'd be a different story, but did you know that cockroaches not only repel germs naturally, but that they're very cleanly? That means that the problem is purely visual, and how am I supposed to have a clean conscience, knowing that I'm destroying life based on visuals? Granddad said that a cockroach problem is something that superintendents care about, because it discourages potential buyers, and that the law favours the visual people, so that means we might have to be sent out and have the apartment sprayed. Alright, first of all, I don't think we're the only ones with this problem and I don't think we're the ones with the worst problem, secondly, nobody's given any inclination that there's any concern over this, and thirdly, how am I supposed to have a clean conscience, knowing that I'm kowtowing to someone who destroys life based on visuals? He said my conscience would be clean, but my life would be disrupted. I said that all you need in life is a clean conscience.

Look, I'm not stopping anyone from killing them. I'm not discouraging anyone from killing them. I'm willing to help clean and to discourage the roaches from staying here, but I'm just not going to actively kill them until they harm me in some way.

My room is the only room in the house that is untouched by the roaches. I think they're too disgusted to enter.

I've made Mom and Duncan feel guilty about killing roaches, even though I haven't been trying. My passivity really pisses everyone off. I guess this is what vegetarians must go through to some degree.

Also, I'd like to point out that every Friday I've updated on this blog, I've posted something that I wasn't sure I wanted to. First time I posted about my encyclopedic knowledge of a fictional series that I'm too old for and which has a bad stigma, the next I posted about playing a perverted video game, and the next I posted about pretending to be a woman in anonymous chat. I'm thinking of making this a theme. Humiliation Friday or something.

I think I'm finally feeling a little bit better, illness-wise.

Whoa! I went on MSN today, and huh! I never use MSN, except on the rare occasion some snooty so-and-so will be all "I only will talk on MSN." But I lost contact with a few of those, and because it never occurred to me to use it except for at specific times when I set up dates, for some reason, it never registered in my mind to use it for the function it's intended to be used as... That is, as a way of finding people when they're not actively trying to be found. Or even when they're trying to avoid you. Ha! Everyone is still using their old accounts, and I reacquainted myself with an old friend, and we've decided to get together sometime.

I made a group on Facebook called I Hate Toucans some time ago. I'll copy/paste it's contents into my review blog, as it is a review of toucans: http://gryphonsreviews.blogspot.com/2009/10/toucans.html

Anyway, today I was sending out personal messages containing links to the group to all the users named Toucan Sam, and eventually Facebook stopped me, telling me it's sensors indicated that I was being annoying and that if I continued it would ban me. Seriously. I wish I'd done a print screen. Darn.

Also, I did a Google search on my name today, and it my blog still comes up. It has the old information with me stating my name on the front screen, but when you click it, it brings you to the new information. Turns out Facebook does archives.

In this particular post, I'm complaining about the Katimavik forms, talking about blowing off plans, and taking a jewellery crafting position. Sooo... For one, it would be bad if Katimavik Googled me. Two, it'd be bad if... lots of people Googled me.

This is the negative side to having a unique name. If I were named Tom Smith, nobody'd find any info on me.

So my new plan is to drown out the info. Get a bunch of new stuff with my full name on it to have more hits and get that post off the front page. I'm... not going to do it with this post. But be prepared for some obnoxiously wholesome posts in the future.

Also, a lot of people are talking about me in a variety of foreign languages, linking a Facebook post I made talking about a weird phone call we got, which came from a number with only three digits, and which only spoke a bizarre code in the message. I'm getting paranoid.

Omegle

Sorry I couldn't get on this night. I know this is the second time I've missed an update in a pretty closely-spaced increment, but it's not because of my weakening resolve! Sometimes I just can't get on the computer when I think I'll be able to.

Anyway, I made a doctor's appointment yesterday. Oct 29th. It's for these Katimavik forms.

I got all my webcomics on the old computer transferred to the new, so that's pretty neat.

Augh... You know what I tried out? You ever heard of Omegle? It's a chat function that allows you to talk to strangers randomly and anonymously from around the world. I was having insomnia and it came to me that I might see if somebody had a cure for it.

Well, thing is, almost everyone on there is a guy, and almost everyone uses it to look for girls who will send them dirty pictures of themselves. A common question they ask is "ASL", which means "age, sex, location". So if I were being honest, I'd be a 20/M/Canada.

I... have to think these guys must get some kind of result, or why would they keep going there?

There's a subgroup of people within the Omegle community who will repeat used jokes at you and then disconnect. If you're able to guess the joke and repeat it at them before they're finished, though, they'll stick around and talk.

So if someone says "Knock knock" and you say "Who's there?" and they say "Disco" and instead of saying "Disco who?" you say "DISCONNECTED!!!!!" then they're more likely to stick around.

So I got a few "trolls" (the jokers), because I know some of these jokes, but the universal advice that was given to me to cure my insomnia was "get laid". When I told them I didn't have anyone to lay, they would all tell me to "get a whore".

...So that didn't help me much.

I got a few of the other types to talk to me, first by people who assumed I was female, like Steve here:

"Stranger: Hey, I'm 19/male/us. Wanna trade some naughty pics with me? I've got my camera, and I'm willing to do almost anything."

And then later because I told them I was a female with MSN and a webcam. Aha... Dirty trick, I know, but it's funny how they'll um... listen to you if you say you're female. If you tell them you think they're a disgusting pervert with bad intentions, all of a sudden they'll want to make pleasant conversation. They're not perverted, they just like meeting people. Why only women? Because they like women, because women are sensitive and caring, just like them, but unlike men in general! Wanna send some pics? No? Alright, well, how was your day?

And then it all made sense. These people are coming to this place to find women because they are finding women. But they aren't really women. They're just men who are pretending to be women.

What a pathetic place. And nobody wound up having a cure for my insomnia.

I did, however, meet an alleged female, who I talked to for TWO HOURS! And now I know her supposed nationality, ethnicity, family background, birthday, first and last name. I have her MSN now, too, and probably her Facebook. Sheesh. I'm a real sucker for a pretty text. Don't worry! Considering my past, I understand what an ominous sign is. I'm not taking this any further.

Weird Dreams, Insomnia

Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I don't remember why I didn't. I don't really remember what I've done in these past two days, either... I know I had a weird dream, but I forgot it.

Oh! I remember I dreamed that these corporate guys wanted me to stop blogging about the recession, because they don't want word to get out that there is a recession. Then I asked if they read my blog, and they said yes, and that I'm quite excellent. Then I pointed out that they should be working, instead of reading my blog. Then a nun fell in love with me.

But that wasn't my weird dream. My other dream was way weirder! Or at least, that's how I felt when I woke up. There's no telling now, because your perspective on awakening is different from your perspective in the day.

I guess I'm glad that I'm having weird dreams again. I know I was complaining that they were too boring before. It made me feel like I had no depth anymore. But, I dunno, these dreams still feel kinda cheap. All flash and weirdness, no substance. Try analyzing that corporate and nun dream. It's basically nothing.

Hmmm... Well... I've got my therapy session near the end of the month. Good to know when that's happening. This is the counseling session, not the medical one, which is coming near the end of the month, too.

Ran into an old friend of mine today. We went to highschool together, and we went to pre-employment together. Before the course started, I remember I had a dream that I couldn't get away from him. I moved all over the world, but he was everywhere. I didn't know he was going to be in the pre-employment program, and I had the dream the night before the first day. This guy's got a habit of disappearing, and I thought he wasn't living in my city anymore, and I hadn't had a passing thought about him for months before I had that dream. Now that I've graduated, I keep running into him everywhere! And I'm the only one who does! My other friends haven't seen him in years.

But this isn't going to help me feel more connected with the universe, or convince me we aren't all just dead meat. It's gonna take more than a few miracles to do that.

Otherwise... I... uh... just remembered why I blocked my memories of the past two days. I'm... not sharing.

I've been having terrible insomnia. Tomorrow I'm just going to work through the pain of not sleeping for a day and get everything done after a sleepless night, otherwise I'll sleep through the day.

Still sick!

Vitamin D, Farmer's Market

Well, I got my SIN card today. I also talked to the person in charge of scheduling things with my family doctor. It took me almost all day, calling every half hour or so, before I got someone. Turns out my vitamin D levels are low. That's not too surprising, though, since Mom and Duncan both have the same thing, and she'd told Mom previously that since she's been there, everyone has proved deficient in vitamin D. Guess my zinc levels are good, though.

It's funny how epic they make the treatment sound. You need to take 1000 units per day! Each pill contains 1000 units!

Mom and Louise and another person gave their first attempt at selling jewellery last Saturday at the farmer's market. I forgot to say. They got discouraging results. I'm not too surprised. It was an unknown environment, and they hadn't put a lot of thought into marketing. It also doesn't seem like the most likely place to find a wide market for their niche group.

I hope they don't get too discouraged. Even if they do the farmer's market again, now that they've seen how things work there, they have a better chance. And there's more likely markets than the farmer's market for them, too.

I'm not adding anything to my resume yet. I haven't learned enough, and they haven't become established enough for me to feel confident in putting my work down as actual experience.

Today my ears clogged up, and all day I've been dizzy. One time, my ears squeaked, and another time, they made a ripping sound. That's a little... unsettling.

However, I've been stagnant for too long and I'm going a bit haywire. My schedule is way off balance and totally random, so I'm having difficulty focusing. I need to get back on track.

Harmonica Forum

Couldn't get to sleep last night, because every time I lay down, every facial orifice would plug up and I'd start suffocating, so I waited until I passed out from exhaustion when the others were near waking up, and I wound up sleeping through Granddad's visit.

To pick up a bit of news that I could blog about, I forced myself to finally check that harmonica forum. The results were what I was expecting, and probably what I was afraid of seeing, and why I didn't want to check. Basically the same advice they give all newbies, which I'd already seen, and which hasn't worked for me yet.

I guess I'll keep 'em talking in case anything helpful comes up.

I remember back when I was in my pre-employment program, we did something called "check-in" every morning where we'd say what we'd done that day. I really took to it. It gave me the ambition to do something noteworthy every day. I would rehearse what I'd say every day. Even to this day, I imagine myself sitting at that table, explaining whatever situation I'm in, and imagining their responses.

Letting go is the hardest lesson in life for me to learn. I'm not good at it at all.

Anyway, this blog has a similar effect. I think about what I'm going to say, and if I don't have anything noteworthy to say, I make whatever unnoteworthy thing I did sound noteworthy, and if I can't do that... I do something noteworthy. Even if you're just buffing out something unimportant, saying it with pride and wit makes one feel really good about oneself.

So I overcame a fear because of this blog, so I guess it's had a good effect...

Still sick today. I think I've gotten sicker. It's got to have been over a week now. It hasn't been so incapacitating all the way through, but it was pretty bad to start, and it's gotten really quite bad. I can't remember, is this normal? Aren't I supposed to get better in a day or two? People take a day off work due to illness, not like, a week. This hasn't gotten in the way of my work yet, but if I were working more regularly, it really might have. Well, not since it hit hardest on the weekend, but... if I had regular work, and it didn't hit on the weekend, then it would be bad!

Louise came over to our house for the first time today, and she bought me pizza! Yeah, a medium-sized one all to myself, 'cause I'm sick!

I found out this blog shows up if you Google my full name. At first I thought it was because it's connected to my Google account, which has my full name, but it turns out that it's actually because I said my full name in one of my posts. So I I replaced all but the first letter of my middle names and last name with *'s. I don't particularly want employers finding this, place, just on general principle.

Hey, just an interesting fact: my name contains the initials GWB.... George W Bush... Also, my full initials can stand for Great Wet... BS (Don't know if I want to keep this place family-friendly or not, so you can guess the last two words).

Anyway, those are just interesting plays off my name. Enjoy them.

Illness, Doctors, Time Perception, Cat Attack

I'm feeling really sick today. I used to enjoy being sick, because I felt that it turned my obligations from the daily grind to simple survival and recovery. I felt like my body was fighting a battle against illness, and I enjoyed it with almost a somewhat similar feeling of adrenalin that I would get from physical combat. This time, however, I don't feel like I'm a part of my body, fighting the illness, but rather that the illness has made itself a part of me. So instead of feeling like I'm bearing up powerfully against an opponent, when true strength is shown, I feel more like I've been turned weak, which I don't like at all.

So, I tried calling back the two doctors. Turns out Dr. Senior is a psychiatrist. I've got an appointment next Wednesday. It will be good to get this out of the way. I couldn't get my family doctor, and they don't have a machine that takes messages, so that will have to wait until Monday.

I asked my mom about the quickening of time perception with age. I had been under the impression that everything just seemed like it moved in fast-forward, but it turns out it's more about memory perception than it is about the immediate present seeming to move by quicker. That's a relief. I can spin that in a positive light. All this time I've been watching clocks and trying to decide if that hour felt shorter than the previous one.

I feel... combatant today. I have come up with a new theory about the perceptions of others in regard to how I have presented myself in the past, and while there is nothing strategically bad about how things have worked out... I'm... unhappy... with how I think things have worked out. I'm... not going to go into further detail.

Right now I've got my thread from the harmonica forum open in another tab... Six replies. I haven't read 'em yet... Trying to will myself up to it...

Yesterday, I saw a cat attacking a squirrel. The cat had gotten on top of it, had one front leg over it, and was biting at it. I thought the squirrel was done for. They kind of grappled across a corner. I followed them, and it turned out the squirrel had managed to somehow get loose, and had gotten up a tree. Six stray cats were standing beneath the tree, and when I went around, four of them looked at me. Five of them were black, one was grey.

Somebody sent me a video, saying that I'd love it, because it contained girlfriend troubles, and I have had... girlfriend troubles. In the video, a girl butchers a guy, with scenes of intimate moments they'd shared flashing in and out. Later, the girl is talking to another girl. Turns out, the new girl was the boy's girlfriend. The girl that butchered the boy claims to be pregnant with the boy's child. The girlfriend tells the pregnant girl to look in a bag, which turns out to contain the severed head of the boy, revealing that the girlfriend had been on the scene of the crime, and had decapitated the boy's corpse. She then pulls out the murder weapon and cuts open the pregnant girl's uterus, and it is revealed that she had been lying, for there is no fetus inside her.

Um... UMMMMMM!!!! How does this relate to me, and why would I love it? I see very little in how this relates to me.

Poor Time Management

Sorry I didn't update last night. Poor time management had it so that I couldn't take a turn in the evening. I know it's my laptop, but until we get the desktop back, that's more reflected through formatting than access time.

Anyway, yesterday, I crafted some jewellery, did some work, and got my red stripe in karate. It's weird how my day morphs from yin to yang like that sometimes. Especially since my acknowledgment in both fields is growing, and I've found myself surprisingly capable of adapting to either environment.

I chickened out of going to the chromatic harmonica forum, although someone sent me an e-mail trying to sell chromatic harmonica instructional books. It might just be spam, since it was addressed to a "wallhanger" in general, which is someone with a low post count, but I've never gotten an email from my old account, which is still technically signed up there, and which is attached to the same address, and I only got this email after I made my post expressing my troubles. So if it is random spam, it seems like kind of a big coincidence.

I would say I need to get drunk to check this post, but that's not within my financial means, so I'm going to find a new cowardly way to coward through this. I'll probably get someone else to read it, then ask them a series of questions to feel out how it went slowly, and divise what I need to expect before I read it.

Otherwise, today, I got a call from someone whose name sounds like "Dr. Senior". I... don't know any Dr. Senior. Maybe it's the... psychiatrist? I only got the message on the answering machine, and I only checked it just now...

My dreams have been so boring lately. I used to have such interesting dreams, with things like robot raccoon fetuses being torn out of raccoon corpses, parrots transforming into humans that would talk about vampirism, and bouncing balls attached to strings again 2D objects with 3D
structures drawn on them. Now I dream about being me, having anxiety about dying, education, employment and dislocation. It's basically like real life, except more boring.

A couple years back, I could count the number of nightmares I'd had in my life on one hand. Now, it's the rare occurrence that I don't have a nightmare. This started long before the onset of dislocation... I think I've been deteriorating for some time now, and the breakup just triggered a rapid advance of several stages that would have happened anyway.