Doctor's Appointment

I saw my doctor today. Before, I think I referenced having had a full medical examination before resorting to counseling, and that everything came back normal. Well, the truth is that, while I'd had a bunch of tests taken, I hadn't actually gotten the results until today. Turns out I was right.

I don't really trust her, though. I mean, she asked me if I'd had any heart palpitations while I was wearing the holter. She said there were no abnormalities on the record. This would mean that my heart palpatations are panic-induced. Problem is, the holter came off three times when I was wearing it, which I would think would cause an abnormality in it's recording my heart rate!

She's a bit worried about my sense of dislocation, and another complaint I've had, because of my family background of mental illness, and because these are often precursers to schizophrenia.

I think this might be a valid worry. I think I have the makings of a schizophrenic. Back when I was younger, I showed some signs of it. But last I checked, the average was, three out of four times, schizophrenia was triggered by substance abuse. So... even if I have the makings, if I avoid triggering it, I think I'll be okay.

But just because I don't go off the deep end, doesn't mean I can't show a few symptoms. I think the emotional strain of the breakup caused a few dormant symptoms to rise up, and even after recovering from the crisis, the symptoms haven't gone away. I don't think I've reached the point of no return, though.

She brought up the idea of antidepressants. I don't have a whole lot of qualifiers for serious depression, since it hasn't come to impact my ability to function, but she said she could get me on something small.

I... want to see how the counseling goes, first. I've got no problem with people taking antidepressants. My mom does, and it works well for her. But... I don't like the idea of taking them myself.

It can be a little tough around here, when I shoot down the idea of my taking antidepressants, and having no real reason for it. I think it gives the impression that I'm morally opposed to antidepressants, and when my mom's on them, I worry that I come off as insulting.

Anyway, I've had an appointment set up with a psychiatrist at the medical clinic. Event though I'm taking counseling, this is less life-planning, and more diagnosing whether or not I should be medicated for depression, and probably whether or not I might have oncoming schizophrenia.

I got my blood taken for the... fourth time. This time for zinc and vitamin D. It must be tough being a blood-taking person. The senior workers always seem somewhat sullen, and in the three months I've been going here, I've seen morale drop steadily in the younger workers at a steady rate.

The person who took my blood today took twice as long as the people who usually do it, and afterward, I was bleeding, and I had a bruise. That's never happened before.

Oh well, everybody makes mistakes, and she was probably new. I won't fault her for it.

On the way over today, I saw a muskrat in a culvert. Also, two frogs. I've seen the muskrat before, but I took it for a beaver. A stocky, brown, furry mammal with a long, black, leathery tail. I had thought the first time that my seeing it's tail as being thin and rat-like was a trick of perspective, but this time I got a better view, did a bit of research, and I do believe that it is a muskrat.