Alright, so first of all, I'd like to welcome my two new followers. I'm very grateful to have an audience, although I admit I'm getting a bit of stage fright. Even though I haven't posted anything here that I wasn't prepared to own up to to any given viewer, I hadn't realized until a little while ago that my mom had linked me to all my family and friends, and it gave me a bit of a start. I admit that that, perhaps more than my illness, may have been the cause for my briefness on my last update. I'll work through it, though.
Anyway, I went to karate class for the first time in a bit. Because of the trip to see Dad, I missed out on last week. Five people joined in my absence! Previously, there was only one person other than me and my brother who was a white belt, and she a high-ranking one. Now I've got seniority over five people!
The trust fund is paying for these classes. It was my brother's idea to start taking them. I was reluctant at first because I'm such a behemoth that it's already difficult not to intimidate people, and I'd always been under the impression that if I gained some muscle mass, it would be obvious that not only was I naturally intimidating, but that I actually put effort into seeming so.
But when I decided to take up these classes, I was still suffering from the breakup. I felt dislocated from the world, like I was watching a movie about myself through my eyes, instead of actually experiencing things. As emo as it sounds, I wanted to inflict pain on myself, because it would be better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all. I figured I had two choices: one was to cut or burn myself, and the other was to exercise. I figured that I could at least pass off the second option as being healthy on some level, and that, if I took martial arts, I could be supportive of my brother's ambition, take advantage of an opportunity (if two people from the same household join, there is a discount), learn about a culture, and learn battle mechanics on a more intellectual level, so it wouldn't just be some musclehead thing.
But the real reason it was better than simply inflicting pain on myself, was that this would be a pain that was moving forward toward some form of self-improvement and with an end goal in mind. Passivity gave me a feeling of deterioration. I couldn't even tolerate the passivity of relaxation.
Anyway, it didn't help... It's true it was a real struggle at first, but the pain felt as impersonal as everything else. Even now, I think the reason I'm opening up so many personal feelings right after finding out that I had an audience, is mainly because I cringed in fear, and noticing that weakness made me want to exploit it for all it was worth, in the hopes that I could feel the connectivity with this world that is personal embarrassment. Kind of another attempt to inflict pain on myself.
...I'm over the breakup, but in the course of my recovery, I think I went permanently insane...
....
....So, I tried to sign up for that Katimavik program, but it turns out they're all full up. A couple months ago they were all free, and I spoke to an authority on the topic. I admit I shouldn't have procrastinated, but I didn't expect them to have finalized they're decisions regarding who would come so many months in advance. I guess it's kind of first come, first serve, and they only reject you if there's something seriously wrong with you. I could sign up for the year after next. Even though they have no specific program's planned, they're still taking applications. I dunno, though... I don't know what will be going on in my life in a year and a half!
I guess I'll just take those driver's lessons, and I'll do a variety of volunteer work to supplement my lack of work experience. You never know what will happen, so long as you don't allow yourself to lose momentum...
We got a call from Futureshop, saying that our computer is fixed. We'd had a computer for about a month, it broke, we had it on a warranty, they kept it for a month, then we got a little help in putting a little pressure on them, they coughed up a loaner laptop, and a week later our computer was fixed. After getting the laptop, they assured us they do it all the time, so I guess they've got a policy of treating people that give them a hard time better than people who are polite. That is actually a very useful lesson that I will keep in mind in the future. It hadn't occured to me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
If it makes things easier, write as if no one were reading. Or at least remember that you're writing for yourself, not to please us. If we like what you write, cool ... if not, we'll deal with it.
ReplyDeleteIt is surprising what you can get if you are willing to push a little. (In theory you can also get more if you push harder, but there are times when that just makes you a jerk customer ... jerk customers seem to get their way more often that not, but they also incur karmic debt.) It's also a little disappointing that so many places don't seem to give the same level of service to people who don't push a little. Oh well. If everyone were like me, the shampoo industry would go under.