Insomnia, Old Journal

Well, today wasn't very great. I've had insomnia lately, and averaging about three hours sleep per night, sometimes another three or so during the day. I haven't been very productive lately. I wanted to go to the ReStore, but I didn't just because I was too lazy. If I'm not working, applying, or schooling, I should be volunteering!

I wish school had taught me more valuable life lessons... Like the importance of lying, cheating, and forcing your opinions on others.

Last night I read my first journal from back when I was 17. Jeez, I really haven't developed much since then! I've been imagining myself as having been a lazy, obsessive chump, but it turns out I actually had a very extensive understanding of my situation and motivations, and I was genuinely overworked.

I've improved with my social anxiety, and I'm not so caught up with my greed or envy as I used to be. Also, I really grappled with my sense of self-worth in relation to my ability in school. Now I know it's not about defining self-worth, it's about proving it. And the only reason to prove it is to make others believe in your ability, so you can push the competition down and pull yourself up. back then, I still believed everyone had a place in this world, and you just had to find your fit. Not really. Our society is built on the broken dreams of the masses. There's just too much room, too many things to be done, and too many amoral people in positions of authority. If you find success, someone else is paying for it.

I finished my other story outline today. Now I have two. I thought I had a third, but I didn't really know where I was going with it. I've written three substantial stories in my life, I guess. I published my outlines in the discussion area and asked for advice on which to go with. We are encouraged to work together.

Turns out that each degree of black belt looks different. First degrees have a white stripe through the middle, second degrees are solid black, and third degrees have three stripes on either end. I think not all schools have a special one for third degree, but ours does. Guess I won't be allowed to quit even after I hit black belt. Everyone would be able to identify me as not having achieved the highest possible status!